Let me explain how I found myself 'staring down my stuff'. I have alot going on lately - who doesn't? I know. Each of us has our own tightrope we balance on day to day basis sometimes. I am in a very high tightrope season and the pressure is on in center ring for me at the moment. This does not make me the happy, kind, warm, gentle and loving, wife, mother, daughter, friend and in general human being that I want to be.
I have been blessed thus far with 48 years and with that I find myself in new territory - what I have re-named 'mental-pause'. This is h.a.r.d! My brain, body and emotions betray me continually - I have become my own worst enemy even more than ever!! I am smack in the middle of a 'bout' of it now and have so much to do and manage and I don't feel equipped to deal with any of it. I want to find the outlet and pull the plug or just spontaneously combust, neither is a valid option.
I can't seem to calm myself and find myself in mini panic attacks more often than I care to admit. SO that is where I was today. This morning I got up (though I didn't want to) read Hebrews Chapter 5 with my sweet husband and then promptly launched into an all out spaz attack over coffee. Bless his heart, he was happy to have work to go to I'm pretty sure! I.don't.blame.him one.bit. So he
Do not conform any longer t the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
from there I made my way to the 'Thought for the Day' ....
How we react is a crucial gauge of what's really going on inside us.
ouch .Ouch. OUCH!!!
I called my husband before I read any more and shared what I had just read with him. Bless him, I know he had to feel a little vindicated ;-) He really is a source of strength and encouragement in my life in these kind of moments, so with his blessing, I hung up and read on.
I realized over the next two pages that what I really needed (which I knew all along if I could shut myself off long enough to listen to the still small voice) was to get quiet and take all this to God. To tell Him how I am feeling, struggling and panicking and seek His GRACE.... I cried (I do that alot lately too...sigh), I prayed, I asked Him to show me where the root of my rot is so I can dig it out and plant something lovely in it's place....Oh Father, show me, I cried out.
Give ear to my words, O Lord,
consider my sighing.
Listen to my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV)
Do I have all the answers? Nope, I sure don't but I do feel calmer, as I wait in expectation. I am in a much better position to function effectively than I was in the state I was in. For now, that is enough. That is grace. The words of this worship song came to me while I was praying.....maybe you need this today too.