Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Staring Down Our Stuff

The older I get, the more messed up I realize I am.  I mean I do ok most of the time and overall I think I "pass with a push" as my sweet grandmother was fond of saying, but then there is that beneath the surface stuff that we don't care to display for all to see or even look at much ourselves for that matter.
Photo Credit
I spent the early hours today confronted with some of that and I have to tell you, it is not my favorite way to spend time. 
 Let me explain how I found myself 'staring down my stuff'.  I have alot going on lately - who doesn't?  I know.  Each of us has our own tightrope we balance on day to day basis sometimes.  I am in a very high tightrope season and the pressure is on in center ring for me at the moment.  This does not make me the happy, kind, warm, gentle and loving, wife, mother, daughter, friend and in general human being that I want to be.
I have been blessed thus far with 48 years  and with that I find myself in new territory - what I have re-named 'mental-pause'.  This is h.a.r.dMy brain, body and emotions betray me continually - I have become my own worst enemy even more than ever!!  I am smack in the middle of a 'bout' of it now and have so much to do and manage and I don't feel equipped to deal with any of it.  I want to find the outlet and pull the plug or just spontaneously combust, neither is a valid option.  
I can't seem to calm myself and find myself in mini panic attacks more often than I care to admit.  SO that is where I was today.  This morning I got up (though I didn't want to) read Hebrews Chapter 5 with my sweet husband and then promptly launched into an all out spaz attack over coffee.  Bless his heart, he was happy to have work to go to I'm pretty sure!  I.don't.blame.him one.bit.  So he escaped left for work and I was left to myself.  The boy was still snoozing and I knew what I needed to do was spend some time with Father, before the day took on a life of it's own.  I got out a new devotional that I started last week,  Unglued Devotional  60 Days of Imperfect Progress by Lysa TerKeurst.  I am on Day 5, I about chocked when I opened the book and saw the title for today - 'The Root of my Rot'  (how does He do that??).  I read the opening scripture...

Do not conform any longer t the pattern of this world, 
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

from there I made my way to the 'Thought for the Day' ....
How we react is a crucial gauge of what's really going on inside us.

ouch .Ouch. OUCH!!!  

I called my husband before I read any more and shared what I had just read with him.  Bless him, I know he had to feel a little vindicated ;-)  He really is a source of strength and encouragement in my life in these kind of moments, so with his blessing, I hung up and read on.
I realized over the next two pages that what I really needed (which I knew all along if I could shut myself off long enough to listen to the still small voice) was to get quiet and take all this to God.  To tell Him how I am feeling, struggling and panicking and seek His GRACE.... I cried (I do that alot lately too...sigh), I prayed, I asked Him to show me where the root of my rot is so I can dig it out and plant something lovely in it's place....Oh Father, show me, I cried out.

 Give ear to my words, O Lord,
    consider my sighing.

Listen to my cry for help,
    my King and my God,
    for to you I pray.

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
    in the morning I lay my requests before you
    and wait in expectation.

 Psalm 5:1-3 (NIV) 
Do I have all the answers?  Nope, I sure don't but I do feel calmer, as I wait in expectation. I am in a much better position to function effectively than I was in the state I was in.  For now, that is enough.  That is grace.  The words of this worship song came to me while I was praying.....maybe you need this today too.


What do you do when mental-pause seeks to get the better of you?  A mental pause is likely a good start!  Have you found something that might be an encouragement to those of us in the weeds today?  Please, please ....share!!

1 comment:

Chase Creek Photography said...

Okay, so I am sitting here in my office at work reading your post and crying like a baby. You had better bring some tissues for tomorrow night cause I think there may be some tears! Can you say a dark room? I love love love the worship song you posted! So great!